This Is Grief and It Is Beautiful

''Dad are you there?''

Having stared at pictures of my dad for what seems like hours...but I have no idea because time has completely collapsed...I was standing in front of the mirror...looking at my own face...trying to find my dad.

I have seen my mother in my face for years but never my dad and I so badly wanted to see him there...so I stood in timelessness and stared at my face...from the front...I couldn't see him...so I started to turn my head back and forth...tears streaming down my face...

''Get on with it will you!!!!'' He says as his entire spirit twinkles and I crack up laughing...and there he was...right there on my face.

In the lines of my smile...in the texture of my skin...in my laugh.

And then I cried...a snotty messy cry...while laughing.


***

 

''How you doing?'' The Husband

''It didn't go away.'' Me(feeling like a very small child)

''Of course not.'' The Husband

And I laugh/cry.

***

It is all comes in waves...nothing sticks for long ❤

And the memories.. there are so many memories I never had access to...It is completely otherworldly what death and grief bring as gifts.

There is so much more to ourselves than we know.

omg...I thought I knew...but nope...soooo much more.

Death and grief...it feels like...is so necessary...

...like super important...and we are not talking about it.

It is like this subject that cannot be discussed.

This feels like a profound 'rite of passage' a 'necessary wisdom initiation' or something...and completely out of my control...

I know the science...I know what is happening to me in my brain...I know emotionally the 'roadmap'...and none of that means SHIT to what this actually is.

Awe-Struck.

There is no map here...living embodiment of timelessness...every layer of my being is alive and awake...lucid...knowing...clear...unfurling...all at once...no veils...no filters...all feeling up front and raw and open...no capacity to hide.

Shanti Zimmermann