A parenting story...one I am actually nervous to share <3
So my children have been sick with the stomach flu since Sunday.
When we are sick there are less veils between us, less filters, opportunities to work through emotional baggage, and more time together <3
My youngest became very sad and began to speak of that one time when he was 3ish and I lost my absolute shit and in one angry moment grabbed all his pacifiers and threw them in the trash...no warning...no discussion...no choices....'and all just because I was crying a lot that day for my nuki'...
When this happened I was not as aware as I am now of my emotional landscape and its power and freedom...back then I was still caught up in REACTING and being really really STRESSED out..and of course I had all the REASONS...and as soon as I threw those pacifiers in the trash I KNEW I had wounded my youngest child deeply...he cried like his heart had been ripped out and for three hours I sat with him until he calmed down and went to bed..but I didn't give the pacifiers back.
It took two days for him to stop asking and I had found the place in myself that I was ok with what happened..within myself and I knew that I would have keep the door open for him to come to me and remind me of this emotional pain/trauma/trigger.
My mind said stay strong, do not bend, and he is only 3 he won't remember..my mind..trying to make order out of my emotional chaos.
Well, that day came yesterday. By his own memory, right on time for him, my youngest child came to me in sadness and in tears and told me how he STILL feels hurt and misunderstood and that he misses his pacifiers all the time.
And I met him, full bodied, open and honest. I admitted that his memory was correct and that I was mean and angry and confused and that if that happened today I would not do the same thing.
He cried some more...to me..it seemed like a release and then I asked him..what can I do now to help you!?
'Can I have some new nuki's?'
I watched my mind do a sommersault of 'nononononono..NO and he will regress and be a softy and...blah blah blah'...and my heart said HELL YES.
''And, mom, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me, if they find out and they want to make fun of me..I just don't care.''
And right in that moment I knew...wether it is for three days or 3 months or 10 years...now HE will decide when he is ready to release the nuki..it will be his journey and my ONLY job is to support him.
So today, I bought those nuki's...he is currently sick and not very interested in them...and they are here if and when he wants them.
We have the option in every moment to heal our wounds, NOW.
And quite often when it comes to emotional pain the healing is something we never expected and it is ALWAYS unique to us.
In this case, for my son, it is the reintroduction to the soothing mechanism of his babyhood, leaving him to decide when he is ready to let go, that is his healing...and mine too...to be able to meet him with honesty and support what HE chooses..this heals me.
Emotional Clarity requires me to be here in this moment fully present to myself and in a crazy cool paradox this means that I am able to be fully present to my children or whomever is in front of me.
Crystal Clarity. Nothing to Defend. Right Here Right Now. Honest. Raw. Alive.