Depression Over Expression
I have chosen depression over expression since my earliest memories.
In order to not feel and face rejection..I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to not see disappointed faces or feel judgmental attitudes..I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to be seen as appropriate and good..I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to have my parents be proud of me...I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to fit in and be liked from the outside..I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to SURVIVE..I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to not be ridiculed, told I was stupid or wrong or unrealistic..I have chosen depression over expression.
In order to remain safe from persecution and punishment..I have chosen depression over expression.
My first experience of depression is a memory of not being able to see over the car seat in front of me..so looking at the back of the seat where my parents sat..quiet...unsure...internally focused and careful.
My true expression is giddy and wild...I was born with a wide open heart and an innocence so pure it can scare the crap out of people...I was born to love and love deep...I was born with the sight of what my truth is..I was born sensitive...highly sensitive...I was born bright and stunning and clear...I was born quietly at home..and yet..my spirit is a lions heart that is fierce and on fire for love and freedom.
All I ever..ever wanted in life...was to be loved and cherished...for exactly who I am. Not for some version of myself that would be pleasing or acceptable or 'no trouble'...no...for me..exactly as I am.
In a tiny body I learned that certain behaviors and feelings were NOT ok for the people around me...so I chose depression over expression...in an attempt to feel safe within myself and to avoid the 'bad' reprecussions of being fully expressed.
''There must be something wrong with me that I feel this way..see this way..experience this way.''
''Who and what I AM is not acceptable.''
These became my protection...my depression...and anytime I felt a true expression of myself bubbling to the surface I would weigh it against the possible rejection I would get from others who were so very important to me.
Not being good enough..exactly how I am...has been a pinicale of my existence.
Having to hold it all together, act and think like an adult, be responsible..for myself and my younger brother, not make any wrong steps or mistakes and certainly NOT act like a child..free and wild and open.
Be Responsible. Only this responsibilty included NOT being myself.
So I chose depression over expression...to be acceptable, liked, loved, appreciated, cared for, appropriate.
I chose depression over expression to not be rejected, ridiculed, judged, persecuted, punished, abandoned.
Oh the brilliance of this mechanism..the absolute loving will I had to activate it within myself each and every time I was afraid to fully express myself.
The fear of that disappointed face...of that emotional rejection and neglect...each time..I chose depression over expression...in the futile attempt to keep the love I thought went missing in that face.
Depression is simply the supression of expression.
Depression says 'there is something wrong with me because I feel, see, experience in this way'...it is a protection mechanism...and it is a lie.
As I sit in another bout of my own depression..feel choked and like an elephant is sitting on my chest...I am given this glimps into where it all began for me..and another key to my freedom.
May you allow this to touch you and to move you to find your free expression...your love for yourself for choosing depression...and a true sense that you are not alone.