A series of events the last few days/months has scared me...like I am shaking in my boots.
All of a sudden, what I do naturally with very little 'thought', has become terrifying to me and is requiring me to be INTENTIONALLY brave..to be afraid and do it anyway.
What were these events!? 'Constructive Criticism'...people giving me 'feedback' about who and what I am. Only the constructive critisism was used as an excuse to be MEAN. As if these people are experts with information I don't have about ME.
Mind you, I did not ASK nor give PERMISSION for them to do so.
Under the guise of 'helping' me, they take an opportunity to bully, manipulate, assume, belittle, condescend, and speak insults..all in the name of 'the truth'...because I am obviously oblivious to whatever truth they have to tell me.
They imply by their very feedback that I am naive and stupid and am in dire need of their 'expert opinion'.
Because I actually do CARE what people say (I know, I know...gasp...I feel shit), this feedback leads me to deep inner inquiry..which at first is all about finding what is wrong with me..
**as an aside..if anything (one) causes you to question what is wrong with you..this is a great indication that something is VERY off with the communication form present.
And I begin to ask myself questions like...
Who knew that speaking openly and directly and clearly about emotions was going to be so threatening!?
Who knew that me being my raw and vunerable self was going to piss people off!?
Who knew that people would react violently to my message that emotions are our magic?
Who knew that by BEING MYSELF I was going to have to burn in the fires of 'wrong doer' over and over and over again?
Who knew that speaking 'publically' would give others permission to call me names, make up stories about me, give me 'advice' on my delivery, make claims about my work even though they have only ever listened to something with the intent to find the flaw in it, and think..that they KNOW me.
I didn't know. Thank god I didn't know because I never would have come out, spoken my truth, had the opportunity to meet many of you amazing people, and to BE the validation so many of us need to simply..be ourselves, feel our emotions, like ourselves in our own skins, and communicate from clarity.
Why am I wobbly on my legs?
Because the LAST thing on this earth I EVER want to do is cause someone pain...even the slightest indication from someone that what I am doing is hurting people causes me to contract in a way that I cannot even describe...it is one of the most painful experiences of my life..when I contract and double up into myself at the sheer thought that what I do and who I am is damaging in any way.
Because I CARE. I really really do..and this seems to be so fucking rare(whoop..hello anger <3 )..to really care..not pretend or front that I care(or don't) but I actually give a shit about you, about me, about us.
So. I Give A Shit. I Care. And I will not be silenced, from within myself or from 'feedback'.
Call me what you will, make up stories about me, expose me for being a fraud and a fake, tell people I stole your work, call me a heavy hitting hammer, expose me...do whatever you need to do so that you don't have to feel YOUR stuff because that is what is really going on.
I FEEL and I don't even try to hide it. I never knew how scary and terrifying this could be for someone who isn't willing to do the same.
I didn't know. And again..so glad I didn't because I would of hidden so as not to hurt you.
I am not here to hurt you, this is not the intent of my existence. I am not here to scare you or make you mad, this is not the intent behind my expression.
I am not here to trigger you, or cause you to question yourself in any way.
This might happen because we are HUMAN...walking emotional triggers but it is NOT my INTENTION. It is NOT why I am expressing myself so fully...truly...I am not here to ruin your life in any way.
I am here to express myself fully and BE the permission for others to do that same, with CLARITY, not out of fear and anger and pain...and never ever out of meanness.
I love myself...every single inch of me...how is that for ya!?
Imagine that...you give me feedback telling me to change myself for you...and I simply love myself more..that is the way I work...I want to be bitter and jaded...I really try hard sometimes...and instead..I just wind up loving myself even more.
Wobble wobble...LOVE...wobble wobble...LOVE.
I never ever want to cause a wobble in ANYONE...but if I do...honey...love yourself more