Posts tagged emotional alchemy
The Darkness IS The Foundation For The Light.

Having gone through yet another Dark Ass Night Of My Being in the last few months...oh how dance that it is not nearly as horrific as used to be...the shear discomfort of it STILL caught me 'off guard'..probably because I don't have many guards to begin with...This one left me perplexed...and created a question within me.

''what the holy fuck is all this dark shit about!?''

I mean it feels aweful and sticky and nasty and a lot like a dark and grey and dismal drawn out death.

What is Up with THAT!?

As I vacuumed this morning...this question just kept on coming up...and the answers became crystal clear for me and I was flooded with what it is all about...yup, vacuuming is a deep form of meditation <3

Here is what I know to be true:

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Depression Over Expression

I have chosen depression over expression since my earliest memories.

In order to not feel and face rejection..I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to not see disappointed faces or feel judgmental attitudes..I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to be seen as appropriate and good..I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to have my parents be proud of me...I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to fit in and be liked from the outside..I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to SURVIVE..I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to not be ridiculed, told I was stupid or wrong or unrealistic..I have chosen depression over expression.

In order to remain safe from persecution and punishment..I have chosen depression over expression.

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The Relationship I live With My Husband

I have no words to describe the relationship I live with my husband.

The level to which we are BOTH willing to be ALL IN is mind blowing.

Not because we HAVE to be but because we CHOOSE to be all in. Not for each other but for ourselves...because being all in for ourselves is our everything.

I am ALL IN in this relationship and that means I show up fully as myself, I come out of hiding, I am willing to be seen and heard, I trust over and over and over again and I trust and I am willing to listen and to forget what I think I know about me, about him, about us.

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